View Full Version : Something funny to read: Husband version 1.0

Black Beauty
24-11-00, 08:56 AM
Dear Tech Support:

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting
software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewellery applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as Dinner Dancing 7.5, Cruise Ship 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs
new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, Saturday Football 5.0,Golf 2.4 and Clutter Everywhere 4.5.,Conversation 8.0 no longer runs,and invariably crashes the system.

Under no circumstances will it run Diaper Changing 14.1 or House Cleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.Can you help, please!!

Frustrated User

Dear Frustrated User:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.
However,Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.

TECH TIP! Do not attempt to modify software yourself ! Husband 1.0 may default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create Fat Belly files and Snoring Loudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!, Just remember!,
The system will run smoothly, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly !.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in
conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as Fix Broken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and Best Friend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother In Law 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and
Hunting 5.2 until Mother-In-Law 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in
coming years.

We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Tech Support

24-11-00, 09:11 AM
Everyone who is a software developer knows that you never, never buy Version 1.0. It is always an undebugged beta version which has been unleashed on the unsuspecting public because the manufacturer is too lazy to debug it themselves.

My advice is to wait for Version 1.1 to be released or at the very least stick with your Version 5.0 boyfriend software for the time being. A possible alternative, if you are determined to take on the husband product, is to get someone else's Version 1.0 which has undergone some "in house" debugging. While not factory authorised, when performed by talented practitioners, this procedure can result in a much more stable product.

One important precaution if tempted to take this tack, is to ensure that the "in house" debugging process did not in fact remove said house and all other assets from the Husband Version 1.0 product. If it has, you will be forced to replace this feature at your own expense. Please ensure that the rest of Husband Version 1.0 is in full working order before accepting the absence of the asset feature.

24-11-00, 09:24 AM
:D :D :D :D

EQU 501
24-11-00, 09:31 AM
>:D :D :D

24-11-00, 09:53 AM
love it!!! Thanks BB and bill

24-11-00, 10:11 AM
:-) that's hilarious!...I'm sending it to our systems person now, who's husband seems to be running Hunting v.2.3 !

24-11-00, 10:31 AM
BB does this mean you intend to divorce husband 1.0 and find boyfriend 2.0?

24-11-00, 10:51 AM
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies runs fine as long as Girlfriend is ran in background mode and the sound is turned off.

Unfortunately, I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. Therefore, I have to run both of them separately. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem coexisting with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some form of timing incompatibilities.

I probably should have stayed with Girlfriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with Girlfriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run Girlfriend 2.0 and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right, as soon as I purged my cache, and realized that no one in their right mind is installing new token rings, Girlfriend 2.0 uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed Girlfriend 3.0 beta. Unfortunately, there was a bug in the program and the first time I used it, it gave me a virus. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while. I very cautiously upgraded to Girlfriend 4.0. This time I used SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running Girlfriend 1.0 again with Girlfriend 4.0 still installed, but Girlfriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of Girlfriend and communicates with it in some way. This results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly, I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality.

Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts and I have never liked how GirlFriend is "object-oriented."

A year ago a friend of mine upgraded his version of Girlfriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiance 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space: He can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it supposedly came bundled with a feature called FreeSex Plus.

Well, it turns out the resource requirements of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to trying installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before uninstalling itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install because of insufficient resources.

P.S. Watch out for the K-I-D-S virus because they have an insatiable appetite for memory and CPU time over and above everything else above.

Upgrade Your Girlfriend

Last year my friend upgraded GirlFriend v3.1 to GirlFriendPlus v1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee v1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee v1.0 to Wife v1.0, and it's a memory hogger -- has taken all his space; and Wife v1.0 must be running before he can do anything.

Although he didn't ask for them, Wife v1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend v4.0 ...

- A "Don't remind me again" button

- Minimize button

- Shutdown feature

- An install shield feature; so that GirlFriend v4.0 can be completely uninstalled, if so desired (so you don't loose cache and other objects)

- "Abort" button

I tried running GirlFriend v2.0 with GirlFriend v1.0 still installed, they tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend v1.0, but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory.

Another thing that sucks is that in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used, the program is totally "object oriented" and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

***** BUG WARNING *****

Wife v1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress v1.1 before uninstalling Wife v1.0, Wife v1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall on itself. Then Mistress v1.1 refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

Black Beauty
24-11-00, 12:02 PM
No Phil,I intend to get boyfriend 6.0 (latest version on the market) with translater :D

24-11-00, 12:20 PM
In desperation to play some of their "old time" favourite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.

Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with
Heartbreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a
wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.

Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command.
Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5

25-11-00, 01:54 AM
Thanks everyone. This is fun.
After reading all the above, I guess I'll stay with Husband 1.0 - after nearly 27 years I've just about learned to live with the features that can't be debugged. I've also noticed that since Son 1.0 and more recently Daughter 1.0 uninstalled, Movies 9.4 has spontaneously reinstalled along with Dinner 7.4! However, attempts to install Horse 1.0 are meeting some opposition, but may be possible after upgrading to Place In the Country version 2.0. However, this is a resource hungry program, so currently, I have to be satisfied with Riding Lessons 2.0.

25-11-00, 04:27 AM
*lol* Oh Retired I wish I'd been clever enough to write that...
I'm sticking with Husband version 1.0...
But um, is it OK just to browse at the other versions when I'm in the computer shop??! :D

25-11-00, 04:35 AM
This has been great reading - thanks everyone for your additions to Black Beauty's post. I wish I was clever enough to come up with some extra programs.