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Dragoness
30-05-07, 06:28 AM
Im redoing my joke wall here at work (we have alot of customers that for whatever reason prefer to sit and wait the one hour for the order, so like to give them something to read) as it hasnt changed for along time and I think everyone has read everything, so Im in need of jokes, or anything that people might find funny (of course it has to be clean and acceptable for my 80 year olds) Im being lazy more than anything and cant be bothered searching the archives for all the friday funnies. So could everyone post their favourite jokes, pictures or anything like that.

Cheers

delta_blue
30-05-07, 06:31 AM
Hiya chickie :)

Can't help you much I'm afraid. I don't think any of the ones I know would be, ah... suitable ;)

Dragoness
30-05-07, 06:35 AM
LOL, thats my problem as well.... Get plenty of stuff emailed to me, rarely is it suitable!

Cheers

pauper
30-05-07, 09:42 AM
Hi Dragoness heres a couple! there clean and being about old folks your clients should enjoy them!
Cheers Pauper

Forgiving Your Enemies

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."


One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the service started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared in front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "I been married to your sister for 48 years."




Birthdays are good! they mean your still alive!

Queen_V
30-05-07, 10:10 AM
Hey Dragoness,

Just 'google' jokes - there are tons!

Cheers
Vicki

pauper
30-05-07, 10:14 AM
just stole this one from over the fence, hehehe.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"


Birthdays are good! they mean your still alive!

sassy_k
30-05-07, 10:25 AM
I love that joke Pauper!! :7 I tell it all the time.

Here's one for the wall....

FOOTBALL BUDDIES

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed,"Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike! Mike!"

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike, it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for Tuesday


Oh, and another.....

WHAT NOT TO SAY....
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND:
Definitely not!

WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND:
Of course I do.

WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).

HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).

WIFE:
Would you live in our house?

HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.

WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?

WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?

HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.

WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.

WIFE:
- silence - -

HUSBAND:
Oh....







Our ability to dream is what sets us apart ~ Our ability to achieve those dreams is what makes each of us extraordinary :)

a_little_oc
30-05-07, 11:44 AM
How about trivia.

One good one for a waiting room, especially if they have to wait a long time:

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

And:

Donkeys kill more people annually than air crashes.

Months that begin on a sunday will always have a Friday the 13th!

According to Genesis 1 20-22,
the chicken came before the egg.

The only domestic animal not mentioned in the bible is the cat.

Racehorses have been known to wear out new shoes in one race.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump-and that's probably a good thing!!!!

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Catfish have over 27,000 taste buds-You would need that many to get any enjoyment out of living at the bottom of a pond!!!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain-(I know some people like that!!)

Starfish have no brains-(I know some people like that too!!!!)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.(It would be interesting to find out how they acquired the taste for them.)

Who said: "I'm the president of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli"?
A: George Bush.

Catgut is made from sheep, Hog, or Horse intestines, not from cats.

Identical twins do not have identical finger prints.

Tigers have striped skin as well as striped fur.

A zebra is white with black stripes.

Polar Bears have black skin.

Lady Godiva rode naked on a horse through the streets of Coventry to persuade her husband, Earl of Mercia, to reduce oppressive taxes.

Human sneeze particles have been clocked at more than 100 miles per hour.

Contrary to its name, the Cubist art movement was not founded in Cuba, it originated in Paris in the early 20th century.

Electric eels can discharge with enough power to kill a horse, or you.

The wingspan of a Boeing 747 is longer than the Wright brothers' historic first flight

Alligators are able to out run humans, and can climb trees.

A 1,200-pound horse eats about seven times it's own weight each year.

A chimpanzee can learn to recognize itself in a mirror, but monkeys can't.

A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.

A Holstein's spots are like a fingerprint or snowflake. No two cows have exactly the same pattern of spots.

A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.

The first bird domesticated by man was the goose.

There are more chickens in the world than people.

The average hen will lay 227 eggs a year

Roosters can't crow if they can't fully extend their necks.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

Chickens that lay brown eggs have red ear lobes.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs, because a cows' knees can't bend properly to walk back down.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

Over the average lifespan of 11 years, a dog will cost you $13,350.00.

When a female horse and male donkey mate, the offspring is called a mule, but when a male horse and female donkey mate, the offspring is called a hinny.

The way to get more mules is to mate a male donkey with a female horse.

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't.

Horses cannot vomit.

Goat's eyes have rectangular pupils.


By feeding hens certain dyes they can be made to lay eggs with varicolored yolks.

Hummingbirds are the smallest birds - so tiny that one of their enemies is an insect, the praying mantis.

In its entire lifetime, the average worker bee produces 1/12th teaspoon of honey.

a_little_oc
30-05-07, 11:52 AM
I don't know if this one would be quite suitable,
but you can have fun reading it.
Don't know if you've seen it before.



A horse and a chicken were friends.
They loved to play together.
One day while they were playing,
the horse fell into a bog.
Scared for his life, he whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help.
The chicken ran back to the farm, but the farmer was nowhere to be found.
He suddenly saw the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition,he grabbed a length of rope and sped off hoping he was in time to save his friend's life.
The horse was surprised, but very happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny new Harley.
The chicken tossed him the looped rope, and tied the other end to the rear bumper bar of the Harley.
When the horse grabbed the rope, the chicken drove the Harley slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful Harley, he was able to save the horse.
Elated, the chicken rode the shiny Harley back to the farmhouse, and parked it exactly where he had found it, so the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The two animals became Best Buddies.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a large mud puddle.
He began to sink, so he cried out to the horse to save his life.
The horse thought for a moment, then walked over to the chicken, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy, and he would lift him out of the mud.
The chicken grabbed hold, and the horse pulled him out, saving his life.

The Moral:
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks

Nicko
30-05-07, 11:54 AM
Two elephants jump off a cliff.

Boom! Boom!

This one is probably not suitable

The Englishman's wife steps us to the tee and as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency, here's $50.00. Go and buy yourself some underwear."


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency,
here's $20 00. Go and buy some underwear."

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any "

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love
'o Jaysus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a
bit..."

Montego
30-05-07, 01:36 PM
Don't forget the old stand-bys - and they are suitable for the 80yr olds.

I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes.
Gosh, have you seen a doctor?
No, only spots...

Is my blinker working?
Yes, no, yes, no,...

My dog has no nose.
Gosh, how does he smell?
Terrible.

and the really old favourite of Council workers...

Man walks into yard and says to old bloke, Where's ya bin? Old bloke says a bit shiftily, I bin on holidays. Man says, NO, mate, I mean where's ya wheelie bin? Old bloke goes a bit red and says, Well, I weally bin in jail, but I like to say I bin on holidays...

sassy_k
30-05-07, 02:52 PM
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.




THE DOCTOR'S VISIT
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his
check up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure
he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die." she replied.


WHY...you may well ask!!
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
5. Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows 95, you have to click on "Start"?
11. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15 Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
17. If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
18. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
19. Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
20. What do chickens think we taste like?
21. What do you call a male ladybug?
22. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
23. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
24. Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
25. If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
26. If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
27. If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
28. Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
29. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
30. What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
31. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



QUESTIONS WITHOUT GOOD ANSWERS
1. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
2. Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
3. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
4. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
5. If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
6. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
7. How come you never hear about “gruntled” employees?
8. I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.
9. If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?.
10. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
11. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
12. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.
13. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
14. What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
15. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
16. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
17. Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
18. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
19. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
20. Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
21. Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?



Our ability to dream is what sets us apart ~ Our ability to achieve those dreams is what makes each of us extraordinary :)

a_little_oc
30-05-07, 03:17 PM
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------DIARY OF A BLONDE WOMAN.-------------

JANUARY
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

FEBUARY
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

MARCH
Got really excited.....
finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
box said "2-4 years!"

APRIL
Trapped on escalator for hours.....
power went out!!!

MAY
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....
wrong instructions....
hey,8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

JUNE
Tried to go water skiing.....
couldn't find a lake with a slope.

JULY
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
learned later, the other swimmers cheated,
they used their arms!!!

AUGUST
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
car swamped because soft-top was open.

SEPTEMBER
The capital of California is "C".....
isn't it???

OCTOBER
Hate M &M's.....
they are so hard to peel.

NOVEMBER
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....
instructions said 1 hour per pound.....
and I weigh 108 pounds!!!

DECEMBER
Couldn't call 911.....
"duh".....
there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

What a year!!!!!!

a_little_oc
30-05-07, 03:27 PM
-------------MALE & FEMALE OBJECTS--------------

Freezer bags
-Male They hold everything in,
but you can see right through them.

Photocopiers.
-Female Once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if you push the wrong buttons.

Tyres
-Male Because they go bald easliy and are often over inflated.

Hot Air Balloons.
-Male-to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bottoms.

Sponges Female.
- They are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Web Pages.Female
-they are constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

Trains.
- Definitely male-They always use the same old lines for picking up people.

Eggtimers.
-Female.- As over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers.
-Male-Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

The Remote Control.
-Female-because it gives a man pleasure to hold, He'd be lost without it,
And while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

kd33
31-05-07, 03:17 AM
Greenies caught at their own game!

The head Greenie Tree Hugging Lady Activist, who was responsible for
getting horses banned from National Parks and State Forests , was
climbing a big tree to have a lookout over the Forestry when a Tawny
Frogmouth Owl attacked her for invading its nesting site. In a panic
to make her escape, she slid down the tree, getting many splinters in
the crotch of her designer shorts. In considerable pain she hurried
to the nearest Doctor, told him she was an Environmentalist and how
she got all the splinters. The Doctor listened with great patience
and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if
he could help her. She waited for three hours before the Doctor
reappeared. The angry woman demanded: "What took you so long?" He
smiled and told her: "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forestry Service, National Parks
and Wildlife Service, Rural Fire Service Conservation and Land
Management, before I could remove "Old Growth Timber" from a
Recreational area.... I am sorry but they turned me down".

a_little_oc
31-05-07, 12:11 PM
This one actually is a true story about a friend's small son

We told a joke to our friend's small son

-'why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff??

Because he had no guts.

He couldn't wait for his sister to get home.

All excited,He asks her,

'why wouldn't the skeleton jump off the cliff?

She said I don't know' so he said

'Because he had no Nuts'

We all just about fell on the floor laughing.

sassy_k
31-05-07, 12:24 PM
Love it. Kids are priceless :7


TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her
husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and,
therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, Iwould have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.



Our ability to dream is what sets us apart ~ Our ability to achieve those dreams is what makes each of us extraordinary :)