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Penelope Bonkerpenis (Guest)
03-03-02, 01:48 PM
Dressage rider. Twenty something from Victoria, blonde with a wild (but sweet) reputation. Wanting to hear from guys that know how to please a women because I sure know how to please a man!

Ok Im Curious (Guest)
19-03-02, 06:23 AM
So tell us a bit more...or give us an email address so we can get some more information about your self and what you want ......:0)

Penelope (Guest)
20-03-02, 01:38 PM
OK Curious - now you've got me curious!

I must remain a secret women of mystery for the moment but what would you like to know?

I am currently single, fun, sometimes very immature, sometimes all class. Sometimes good, others bad (but still nice bad).

I am a Cancerian and ruled by the moon so typically very unpredicable and a great lover of change and adventure.
My best asset is probably a heart of gold and a loyalty to my friends.

I have dreams of far and wide travel and fantasies in high class hotel rooms some where in Europe. I guess I know exactly what I'm looking for and the second I meet him - he'll know about it!!!

P.S Still good friends with ALL my ex's!!

Curious (Guest)
22-03-02, 01:15 PM
Ok where abouts in Vic?????

Penelope (Guest)
23-03-02, 04:55 AM
Oh, South of East but West of North. Actually I'm a city and country chick. I like my real estate.

Where say you??

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
23-03-02, 09:47 AM
Why Penelope, your description of debauchery all across Europe has also aroused me and my curiosity. I think we should meet on a quiet bush trail and do some really good riding together.
city and (coastal) country.. yes, that sounds right.

Curious (Guest)
26-03-02, 08:51 AM
CRUMPETPUMPER????? Gotta love that...funny stuff

Me Im west of east and south of north

Penelope (Guest)
27-03-02, 07:52 AM
Hey there Alfred.
You seem somehow familar to me, how could this be????
Then again maybe it's just your name I've been screaming out during my wild and erotic dreams!!??

Alfred seemingly 'studly' pumper of crumpets and Curious please enlighten me some more! In the words of my sexual mentor.......
'don't be shy'!!!!!!

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
29-03-02, 04:27 AM
My Dear Penelope,

Since I read your first message I have been filled with unearthly passions and unspeakable desires.
Could it be that our love, lust and desires are entwined deeply within the heavens, indeed maybe within the stars of our own night sky?
How right it is that you should cry out my name, as I yours, in the throes of your wild, untamed passions.
I spent my weekend riding through the bush, utterly aroused and thinking only of our secret rendezvous, of how I should take you if I were to find you...

Curious, you are but a scholar and a gentleman, how right it is that we should admire this ravishingly beautiful woman together.

Come, Penelope, enchant us further with your enticing tales before we break like Odysseus from your sweet sirens' song.

Yours in sweet rapture,
Alfie.

Calvin De Cunilingus (Guest)
30-03-02, 06:09 AM
Penelope,
why oh why do you allow your sweet ears to listen to Alfreds smeggish woffle? I am your man. Tall, strong, endowed!!! I can take you places far beyond Europe- reach levels of dirty, raw, animal like passion beyond your imagination. All I can hear is you moaning, "more, more CC." I will empale you on my manhood and allow your body to exhorb the intense energy flowing through my veins. Penelope, you had me at hello- you complete me!!!!

Raw (Guest)
30-03-02, 10:48 AM
Gotta say penelope...it's seems you have captured many a mans heart. Pray tell us, what is your seceret?

Whoretisher Tittybumbumm the 3rd (Guest)
30-03-02, 01:01 PM
Listen up Penelope is a hoax i will take it upon myself to reveal the true identity of penelope she isn't who she says she is. NO NO my friends penelope is nothing but a penolepe impersonator!!! She really goes under the name of prudence pickelpusher.. for years she wanted to change her to name to the distinguished Bonkerpenis but couldn't as women from her home town of lithuania were stoned to death for a name change. Now we discover her in downtown victoria sporting a namechange and penelope you can't hide that trademark moustache even with bleach you would still get food caught in it. Or that wart the jutts out a good inch from your forhead putting decorations on it won't mask it either penelope PICKLEPUSHER!!!!!! She may be blonde on top but Alfred oh alfred when you follow the fishmarket down to brush cuttings you will see the true colour of our sordid penelope... she can't hide penelope you have been disrobed!!!!!HAHAHAHAHAHA Alfred and Calvin for i am penelopes cousin and much more beautiful than she my warts are gone and moustache waxed come ride me in the bush! Forever yours Whoretisher Tittybumbumm the 3rd

i can feel your aura Penelope!!!!!!! (Guest)
01-04-02, 08:13 AM
In search of Penelope Bonkerpenis(aka Pickelpusher).
I think the royal Whoretisher Tittybumbum 3rd could be onto something!!!! Perhaps Penelope is an impersonator. I think she should come out of the closet and tell the world that her real name is Peniseater!!!!

Penelope (Guest)
03-04-02, 02:45 PM
Hello lovers, I'm back! - hotter than ever.

Please, let ME reveal the real TRUTH about who I really am before I continue any further.

I, Penelope Bonkerpenis (beware of immitations) am infact an unattainable SEX GODDESS, and bestow my immortal powers of attraction unto all men.

Greek goddess, Athena gave this gift to me to use for good and never evil. Whoretisha (aka Dr.Evil's nazi girlfriend), is trying to steal this gift from me.(via astro travel at night) I fear her intentions would destroy many men, (particularily the tall, strong, well endowed types they are her favorites) just as Medusa herself did before she was cursed by the great Zeus.

Any man who sexually receives me is never the same again for he has but acquired a portion of my immortal essence. His powers become great, money forever pours in and other men bow down before him. His penis also grows 3 inches!! (hence my name)

Many men call but few are chosen. For this is but a challenge only the GREAT SOULS can win, for he must pass the GREAT TEST!!!!!!

Love for now, Penelope XOXOXO


P.S Alfie and Calvin, thoughts of your words and credentials were reason for my multiple orgasms whilst riding my horse today.
I think I'm onto something (parden the pun)!!!!!!

. (Guest)
04-04-02, 08:26 AM
www.dcscripts.com/image.gif

Pissing ourselves with laughter!!! (Guest)
05-04-02, 06:25 AM
This is just hilarious. Absolutely love it!!!

WE WANT MORE......

whoretisher tittybumbum the 3rd (Guest)
05-04-02, 07:30 AM
Penelope Penelope where for art thou Penelope!!!
Oh how i have missed you so...And to hear your story of our athena the love goddess gave you your beauty for good not evil...
Well My dearset penelope i feel we need to let the unbeknown public in a your little secret..yes yes i know its hard to admit that athena was having her period when she gave you your gift of beauty..she was a little angry at the land of beauty and love. Me and you both know penelope than miss athena did a little boo boo that day my dear...

I for one have been know to partake in a lil action with Dr, Evil i for one find his baldness ever so sexy and his pussy Cat ever so smooth what gorgeous woman could resist the man who has his finger on the pulse of the earth. I think we all know about the movie that was made about my life with Dr Evil...i requested a non attractive woman to play my part as i am so beautiful that women all over the world would of gone into a massive sucicide if they had been witness first hand to my goddessness...my beauty and power is so great i have to be careful of the hearts of the men i devour as they can explode with excitement and love..its a hard job and risky being just so delicious.

Penelope i feel its my duty as goddess of the universe ( yes i have been upgraded from goddess of the earth) to reveal how truly beautiful you are. Men certainly do drop at your feet from shock i think that is.. and their penises actually retract like a frightened turtle not grow honey ( i think they were just trying to make you feel better).

WORLD LET ME REVEAL THE TRUE PENELOPE
Readers, Observers, Fans ( i know you are there ), Calvin De CUnninglingus, Alfred Darling Crumpet Pumper guests.. queen elizabeth. PLEASE PUT ON YOUR SUNGLASSES

http://uglypeople.com/uglywomen/html/up-women-00280.htm

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
05-04-02, 09:58 AM
Oh Penelope, could the terrible rumours be true?

Whilst I am not one to listen to the gossip of fishmonger's wives and spinsters' tales, how could I turn a deaf ear to the voice of Whoretisher, daughter of the noble house of Tittybumbum?

As I thrust my way deeper and deeper into the bush over easter, with naught but the steady sound of my horses hooves to drive me further still, my thoughts were only of you. Would I be soon thrusting away, hard between your thighs, and deep within the world of our passionate lust? Sensing my energy, my horse surged between my thighs; we rode hard for endless hours. When I returned, exhaused and yet invigorated, a new fire burned deep within my heart.

And yet, upon my return to the forum in which first we met, I find your name besmirched! Of your counterance, terrible questions raised! Tales of rampant hersuitism, mixed metaphors of fish markets and grass cuttings gone wild! Who has trashed this sacred place, drawn upon the walls of my phantasy in strokes of painful protest, turned the alter on its side, driven the believers out into the storm? could the terrible stories be true? Will we never make love in Venice, caress passionately in Seville..? Penelope.. Whoretisher.. Calvin... ?

No! I shall not doubt my lust-rid(d)en babe.. let her come to me, and in the wild embraces of unbridled passion we shall reign in our doubts and fears...

Penelope (Guest)
05-04-02, 02:16 PM
My god I feel just like Brooke Logan from the Bold and the Beautiful!!!(not that I watch it or anything). So very sad,
it seems I've been made an outcast just because of my ability to seduce and steal any mans' heart.

Being ultra beautiful really isolates one from the rest of mankind - so don't envy us lot. We really are a sad and lonely group of people sometimes. Especially when like likes of Whoretisha, (A, AKA) Stephanie Forrestor try to destroy your image and reputation. It's my fans that keep me going really, but I tell you there are defintely days when I just feel going to a plastic surgeon to make myself ugly. (thanks Whoretisha for your creative ideas!!)

Ahhh... Like so many others, I'm beginning to give up on the idea finding true love, my soul partner - MY EQUAL!!

Curious it seems has disapeared....OK - This DID begin as a joke, but I was still open to offers you know!!

Alfie.....well there just doesn't seem to be any chemistry there whatsoever ... and YOU DO come across a little bit TOO much in touch with your crumpet side. Plus Calvin informed me you're into breeding Clydesdales. Sorry but I'm a Warmblood kind a (g)irl. I did like your ad in Horsedeals though!! How's Ashie going?...... Now, now don't get paranoid!!


Calvin, Calvin, Calvin... There is no denying your abilities in the bedroom and all.... and you do have a lovely aura about you. However your idea and my idea of doggie style revolve around different body parts. Sorry, but I'm not into the dirty up the A*** sex. Wild, sure... Passionate, of course... In public places, ahh one of my favorities... but at the end of the day - I value personal hygiene and healthy bowel movements more than our future together!! You're the "weakest link"....goodbye!!

Well, I guess I'm back where I started. I think I might just go and buy myself a pug, (as in dog)maybe call him BEN. (now, now don't get paraniod!!)

HOLD ON, there IS that cute, charming, rich, English polo player with the amazing bod. He keeps his horses at Werribee........ Now that's a man who could cure my fear of commitment!!!! A famous physic DID say I would end up with a rich, handsome European man.... (or do they say that to ALL the girls???????)

OK, LOVE YOU AND BYE FOR NOW..........

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
06-04-02, 03:39 AM
my add in horsedeals? what on earth are you talking about??

It's all over Alfie..... (Guest)
06-04-02, 05:05 AM
One of my informers (Marky Mark) has alerted me to your TRUE IDENTITY. Just to think, you COULD have been the one. Is it true?? Are you really ******* *******???? Have you simply been
playing games with my heart? How could you Alfie? I'll probably need some intensive counselling now.


Hey, what ever happened to Mr. Muffmuncher.. still waiting!

xx Penelope

P.S I'm thinking about getting together a panel of guests for a couple of weeks to create a forum spot called Black Beauty and the Beast on a new post. People can ask for advice on love, life and other catastrophies. Maybe even assist in date fixing.

I thought someone like Calvin would make a great beast, maybe Alfie as Jan Murray etc.. We could give it a trial and if it doesn't take off, it's all Whoretisha's fault. Ok tell me what you think!!

Alfred Crumpetpumper naked... (Guest)
06-04-02, 05:31 AM
Penelope my dear, there is absolutely no question as to me being the one.
clearly your network of spies have absolutely no idea!
one too many soap operas i'm thinking. where's that dr. freud when we need some analysis done?

speaking of clydesdales... those two clydes in hd, heckle and jeckle, they are quite grouse, and i certainly wouldn't mind them.

Now I must away. There is much crumpet to pump, and my dalliance here is done! Farethewell Penelope...

WRONGLY ACCUSED (Guest)
06-04-02, 07:01 AM
My Dear wallbanger (Penelope)
you have been wrongly informed by Sir Marky Mark.Alfie doesn't lie when he writes that he has no idea what you are talking about.So I suggest you apoligise as I'm sure he would be better than a Pug and a jar of peanut butter.

Your dear friend
CLYDIE

whoretisher tittybumbum the 3rd (Guest)
06-04-02, 08:24 AM
Penelope where art thou?


I feel i must fess up ... yes yes i have spent hours pouring over ways to ruin your relationships with dear alfred crumpet pumper and your other suitor Calvin De Cunninlingus they seem such fine upstanding your bacheolors. You have always been so beautiful and godess like and i love going sloppy seconds after you penelope as it IS TRUE that once a man has been in the realms of your bush with you His penis Does grow 3 inches. So i must admit im the secret stalker in the woods jumping on any man prey you may have discarded in your day of spreading your love juice around.

I know the photo i realeased dosn't reveal your true beauty as that was a very early in the morning shot... penelopes beauty is soooo great that my nipples grow just walking past her..
Alfred Crumpetpumper your instinct was right..penelope penis packer penis pickel penis bonker is the true goddess May you FInd her bush full on nuts and berries and don't let Whoretisher Tittybumbum the 3rd stand in your way of true love. I have been selfish..alfred i do ask once you have riding the deep bush of penelope give whoretisher a ring to bring you home the only way an evil girl can ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Calvin De Cunninglingus Hopefully your reputation lives up to your Name hahahahhaahahahahahahha
kiss kiss Signing off the humbled Whoretisher Tittybumbum the 3rd.

Calvin De Cunilingus (Guest)
10-04-02, 08:29 AM
Well my sweet Penelope and though Evil Nazi Nurse of the Distinguished House of Tittybumbum, be it your invinsible hero, Calvin. It anguishes me to the depth of my manhood to hear that such delectible goddess' shall so spuriously fight for the love of but one man. Why There is enough of me for the whole local netball team! My protein goeth far!! My charity pines for your acceptance. Oh PP we can cure your smell- my dearest friend Alfie informs me that there is no smell that can not be cured with a little salt and Big Kevs household cleaning products. Your moustache- well we shouuld ask old Caroline about that, she surely would have utilised many a treatment. I can forgive you for your physical imperfections; oh I am getting as hot as a pussy in a cock shop!! Anyway, I must go and plough the feilds and milk the cows- forever yours Calvin

Penelope (Guest)
13-04-02, 07:17 AM
Hello all - I'm still here. Don't worry I didn't throw a tantrum; go and roll around in the mud in my bath robe or anything!!!! Just been flat out (on top of Calvin...)

I'll be back in action next week so till then live IN the moment - every moment!!!!

XX Pen Penn

Ralph Fieninbed (Guest)
16-04-02, 03:50 AM
Penelope, you sex creature of the night. I think we should meet up some time! I am everything you have ever desired and more.

whoretisher tittybumbum the 3rd (Guest)
16-04-02, 05:20 AM
Pen pen i have been away but not with the fairies i have been self committed to a 12 step programme re: an identity crisis and unusual sexual desires...
I have completed the 11 steps needed to get to step no 12. Step number 12 confront the one you are in love with.

Penelope i have been nasty and have caused you great hurt and confusion but the truth is im the one thats in love with you not alfred not calvin and not ralph ..
ride me penelope into the bushes of your heaving smosmo. You will never go back there will be no use for any old crumpet pumper of de cunninglingus or feinbed. All you need is me The one and only delicious whoretisher titty bum bum the 3rd.... the 1st and 2nd were siamese twins that never left the lithuanian orphanage i put them in.

pen pen let me know if your heart matches mine
love always....whoretisher...ahhh feels so good to have reached the 12 steps

Penelope(almost put my real name in) (Guest)
19-04-02, 04:01 AM
Ralph - Hello! You sound fine indeed!!

Whoretisha - I'm flattered....and frightened!!

Alfred - COME BACK!!!! I miss you...

Alfred Crumpetpumper rides again (Guest)
19-04-02, 07:54 AM
hiya penelope.
did you have your warmblood out at winchelsea on sunday?

Penelope(almost put my real name in) (Guest)
20-04-02, 08:37 AM
(Just putting myself back up ON TOP where I belong)


Oh Alfred your back!

Kiss kiss and LOTS of hot make up sex!!!

So you're after a strong, independent, intelligent and beautiful women....Well I don't like to boast, so I won't!!!

No I wasn't at the AEA on Sunday. I was thinking about going to watch. (my equines are enjoying holiday heaven at present) Some friends however invited me over for lunch. Too good to refuse.
From all reports the 'ACE' weekend went well.

Hmmmm so your 6.2 and in your late twenties are you.........

Hey Whoretisha what do think of Ralph???? Nice to have some extra fresh cock to seduce. Ahhhh variety!!! (You're stil my #1 Alfred. Even if you are cheating on me with Saint Fridget. No man has EVER needed to cheat on me before. Why you????)

Allotta Fagina (Guest)
22-04-02, 12:55 PM
My dear Penelope,

I am new to this post and as I read through this sad tale of woe I fear you have lost your sole mate!
Alfred (the) Crumpetpumper seems to be your equal. Are you blind my dear? You both share the gift of verse yet you seem so blind to his love. You may feel he is slightly too in touch with his "crumpet" side but isn't this what we lasses are all searching for? He is quite obviously not in search of the "perfect man" as are we, and is trully looking for his equal to share eternal life. I see a match made in equine heaven and fear you may have missed your boat (or Mr. Right!).

I wish you well Penelope and hope you can tempt poor Alfie and his broken heart back to your lair!

I am wearisome and must retire for the evening,

My best wishes,

Allotta.

Penelope (Guest)
23-04-02, 04:56 AM
Oh Allotta thank you! (I thought you were soooo beautiful in Austin Powers by the way).

I hope I can win Alfred back too! Soul mates certainly don't grow on trees. Somehow I do feel we could possibly be made for each other. I do fear however that things may never be the same.... No, I will NOT underestimate the "power of love". I dedicate that song to you Alfie!!

I will have to begin my path to redemption with some male ego building vocab.

Alfred. You are so sexy. (I mean this seriously!!) Such a real man. Why your balls must be HUGE!!!! Look at all these women you have managed to charm!!! Other "mere males" can only watch you in wonder. You really should write a book. Let them know how to get any women, any time, any position. What man could ever measure up to you in my eyes? They would never get past our deep, fated connection. Please trust me, I am yours completely. (Round one)

Winners never quit, quitters never win! I go on in hope, my faith and inner strength will fight for him to the bitter end.

Alotta, if have read the "Saints" post (where incidently he is trying to pick up!!!), you would have greater understanding into my "in touch with your crumpet side" comment. It was not infact directed at him but someone I thought him to be!!!! I REPEAT someone I thought him to be (you know who YOU are).

Alfred if you read this (you are sure making me work !!).
All I can say is if you are half as beautiful as your mind....
(and wild in the bedroom)

MARRY ME!!!! (Oh sorry I'm trying to win you back aren't I, no no cancel that...for now) I would make a super wife though... one day......

Ok. Well I've certainly managed to reduce myself in the name of love haven't. It's now in the hands of fate......(speaking of which, what is your star sign Alfie? I'll see if we are in fact meant to be spiritually enwined "within the heavens" or not.

XXXX Penelope

Allotta (Guest)
24-04-02, 12:07 PM
Good one Pen, that oughta get him back! Shame about the marriage bit! HOpe you didn't scare him off too much!

I would so love to see this tale end happily ever after!

Best wishes to the both of you!

Allotta
-XXXXX-

les patterson (Guest)
24-04-02, 03:09 PM
Penelope you are a rascally little thing. on another thread you told me you fancied me and now I read you really fancy alfred. the name alfred sounds like he swallowed the gravy boat with the gravy. I will leave you my little munchkin to the amourous arms and charms of your alfred but please don't churn out anymore guff like you did two post ago. you and alfred might be soul mates but you have to think about your voyeuristic audience.
and really Penelope you might have a little delicacy when it comes to mentioning the size of a man's most treasured possession even if it does belong to the great alfred.
remember - keep it naice!

Ard Pianist (Guest)
26-04-02, 08:16 AM
Ard Pianist here. (otherwise known as Lachlan Longslong to the ladies)

Les, I feel we must love and respect Penelope for the flirtatious, wild flower she is.

It looks like Alfred (sexually confused) Crumpetpumper may well end up the loser here. May this be our most fortunate gain.

Penelope, I have indeed been in love with you for as long as I can remember. Our paths have crossed on several occassions. I have often questioned your choice of men, watching them come and go. Will Alfred always be there in your heart, haunting your chance of everlasting happiness and sexual ecastasy?

He doesn't deserve you. Look carefully at your other options they just might make your legs shake and your body tremble.
The 'other' fellow may well woo your mind but I can woo your body as well.

Your loving (bonker) pianist.

Calvin To the Rescue (Guest)
28-04-02, 06:41 AM
For Fucks sake,PENELOPE I think you should tell everyone the truth. We are in fact MARRIED!!!!! I am sick of you wandering. My endowed manhood, my brains ,my braun, my shere talent, my aura!! what more do you want. I am now to the stage where I think i am going to take you onto Jerry Springer. I am sick of having to get out the torch to check out the medical status of your minge every time I want to sleep with you. What STD haven't you had? I also should tell everyone that Alfred rang me in a anebriated state last night and confessed that he has been fantasising about engulfing my manhood with his lips. He wants me so bad but sorry Alfred I think you can go visit vegemite valley on your own. Penelope, WHO'S YOUR DADDY? COME BACK TO ME BABY . ITS ME OR ALFIE THE ANAL AVENGER!!!!

Mary Hinge (Guest)
28-04-02, 01:00 PM
Pull up Calvin - you didn't seem to give a damn about Penelope last night when we were together! you gave less of a damn about STD's but really you should be more careful! You see Penelope and I have been lovers for quite some time now so therefore if you check her with a torch before your bonkfest's then perhaps you had better start checking me aswell! It's ok though Calvin as Penelope has no idea about you and I! She has no idea that I occasionally require throbbing horsepower between my legs and seek solace beetween your thighs! Perhaps we could all get together sometime? Hey what the heck, throw in Alfred as well!
Your faithful bit on the side,
Mary.

les patterson (Guest)
28-04-02, 02:43 PM
I always get a buzz out of watching young people enjoying themselves, so I'll be there keeping an eye on things (especially that naughty Penelopes)and be available if
any delectable young woman wants to take advantage of my legendary virility.

We of the Red Light District - Holland (Guest)
29-04-02, 02:49 AM
Les are you hinting that you are infact a dirty old man who can still get it up? Do not fear though Les, Sean Connery still does it for some of us girls.

Ralph Fieninbed (Guest)
29-04-02, 04:57 AM
it doesn't surprise me that Penelope has indeed managed to attract some dutch prostitutes into her thread. the girl's good.

Mary if you want some extra 'fresh cock' for your bonkfest.i guarantee to eat you girls out like a trip to sizzler. may as well turn it into a porno flick while you're 'at it'. ohhhhh yes baby!!!!

les patterson (Guest)
29-04-02, 06:29 AM
Sean Connery would never last the distance amongst you lovely girls of Holland's red light district. Now a fine man such as myself would have no trouble keeping you all satisfied and if it turns you all on by calling me a dirty old man, all the better.
But you know girls, a character such as Ralph has to say the course things he does because he doesn't understand refinement and dignity as I do. Even the hapless Alfred has a shred of decency buried in him somewhere (even if he still hasn't decided what side of the bed he wants to sleep on). But it's that Penelope that has everyone talking and what a lovely girl she is...and where is she? Has someone seduced her away from us or is she merely teasing us yet again in her elusive, seductive way?

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
30-04-02, 03:28 AM
Sean Connery and Les Patterson battle it out to see who gets to shag the dutch warm bloods... that's good stuff.
Les is probably old enough for the horse to be the real turn on.. well that's fine with me, as long as I get our favorite warm blood rider's crumpet!
How Calvin could cheat on the most enchanting Penelope is quite a mystery. Must have been a result of the pain of cuckoldery.
Mary Hinge... is that the rusty old Hinge that requires constant lubrication? shocking! Calvin was just telling me over the well shagged & spit-roasted body of Whoretisha last night that Mary often takes up to a good armful of elbow grease to really get going. You really should work on that foreplay problem of yours Calvin. It doesn't have to be over in 5 minutes... and what is with insisting on having your farrier present? Honestly, I don't ever want to see a hoof-pick used like that again.
Ard Pianist does indeed seem genuinely keen, but can he really stroke the keys as well as Penelope demands? Is it really that Ard?
Ralph... I hope that isn't the effect you have on your women! Although sizzler pretty much always has that effect on me.

Penelope (Guest)
30-04-02, 07:13 AM
Calvin!!!! If this thread indeed be likened to a house, (metaphorically speaking) then YES you have caught me in the toliet (one of the other posts) cheating. Ard, Ralph, Alfred,....Roo boy Wayne - hey they were good roots! SOMEBODY has to pay the bills darling!!!

Now Cal take your memory back to the days when we first began dating. (not long after you pulled me off the streets, ah so like Pretty Women). I DID actually offer to get all cleaned up and Norsca "Alpine" fresh up there you know. You instead comforted my insecurities with the revelation that you found overworked, dirty vulvas a real turn on - a permanent errection infact! You secretly confided that it took you back to your own MALE ESCORT DAYS!!

Furthermore Calvin, you know VERY WELL it was not STD's that put me in hospital last May. It was that almost deadly build up of toxins in my system (STD symptoms) from your bloody "JUMBO" penile implant. (Had the gynecologists baffled!!) Now it's one thing to be stretched..... but poisened AS WELL!!!! COME ON CALVIN - don't play the victim here. And DON'T give me that who's your daddy crap!!!!!!! HMMMMMM you have the nerve to wonder WHY I cheat on you?!?!? I LIKE TOAST - NOT FLOPPY BREAD!!! (no vegemite thanks!) CALVIN YES you are a seriously sexy individual. YES I DID want you to be the father of my children. But I can't take this anymore. Your penis is NO LONGER my daddy master!!!!!!!!

Mary was that YOU with the whips and chains that night!!!!

les patterson (Guest)
30-04-02, 11:28 AM
Ah Penelope, fluttering around the flame of desire, your deceitful beauty luring even the most innocent and amourous to your lustful, yearning body... be careful you don't fly too close to the flame or it will consume you.
les patterson

(verse loaned with thanks from Alfred).

Anon (Guest)
01-05-02, 06:00 AM
Whoretisha surely it couldn't be true. Reserect yourself at once and act out your rightful vengence on those two hoes that devoured you. This talk of cannabolism and Jack the Ripper sex acts has brought on the anger of the gods. Alfred, Calvin you will have your punishment. Justice will be served. Fear your fate and don't cry out in your plees for mercy that the devil made you do it either.

Whoretisha please return. Your secret admirer

none (Guest)
01-05-02, 11:04 AM
Anon:It is you who would like to call out 'the devil made me do it', but who with... Whoretisha, Penelope...???

CALVIN DE CUNILINGUS (Guest)
01-05-02, 05:01 PM
Revenge, Oh sweet revenge- Penelope, last night when I was pumping the back out of you, I forgot to tell you , I was bare backing it. Yes- I blew inside you. Now your loins shall bare the fruit of my seed. Alfred, all I can say is I hope you enjoy my sloppy porridge! Penelope, I had no choice, this is the only way I can keep you. With our extreme beauty and ravenous sexuality, this child shall be near perfection. (Possibly as beautiful as our dear friend Clydie. )

As I sit here typing away Whoretisher is relentlessly engulfing me, Alotta is eating my hard nipples and Alfred Tony Crumpetpumper is dressed in bottomless black leather pants, and a dog collar; his hairy man boobs making me ill, as he performs treachoury on poor Ralph. What a perverted and deborturous world we are living in. I think I shall become a monk!

Alfred Crumpetpumper (Guest)
02-05-02, 03:33 AM
Oh Calvin, I warned you that drinking your own urine would only lead to insanity...
...and now that your subconcious mind has exploded on us all, we can only whipe it off the best we can. Please, we ate Whoretisha earlier this week.. and Penelope has been having sex with her prize stallion in my stables ever since she walked out on you on the weekend. She says she needs the warm-up before she climbs in the sack with me. With the years of your leaky silicone sloppiness most of her crack has been siliconed shut, so i may find it hard to get in there. You should think about how hard it will be for us to work through this before you fly off the handle in a jealous urine-induced rage and have that fantasy about me in the black leather chaps again. The dog collar you saw probably has a lot more to do with that jar of peanut butter you so like to smear down there than with any action from poor Ralph, who can barely get himself out of bed these days.

If there really was any virility left in those old pipes of yours then your bareback riding may indeed be a problem... but since nothing ever descended in the first place, you are left with your only real talent; De Cunilingus.
While this may well be enough of a charm to steal away with my dear Alotta... well ok sure, you got me a good one there... but I will not do that naked thing with the white cowboy boots on for you to get her back! stop trying to touch me! that's disgusting... are you smoking the mitavite? oh my god calvin, you are seriously loosing it.

CALVIN DE CUNILINGUS AND PENELOPE DE CUNILINGUS BO
02-05-02, 10:32 AM
oh Alfred, I sence a degree of "projection" here. You really should not judge others by yourself!!!! Yes I can suck my self off- but drink urine- you must be insane in the brain toimagine such repulsive behaviour. The only golden shower experiences I have had was when Penelope, Whoretisher and Alotta asked me to stand over them and piss over their ##### this morning. They loved it but I must say I would not touch them again until they had all bathed. Alfred your cover is broken- your ostensible charm exposed to the world as nothing but a disguise for an ugly, wrinkled, little man with a shocking receeding hair line- hairy ears and shocking breath(smells a little like the gutted fish down by the brush cuttings- probably from the urine you have been drinking).

Penelope and I have commenced counselling with Clydie's great grandmothers hair dresser, Vangelina Vaginalvibrations, who says she has great hope for us!! I am relieved - my Penelope and I are an item again- Ilove youy so much Penelope. Together we shall conqeur the world!!!

whoretisher tittybum bum the 3rd (Guest)
02-05-02, 12:27 PM
I HAVE RETURNED - I was the guest speaker at the reveal your goddess within through vegetables and local fruit varieties.. im still concerned about a fruit fly issue i seem to have when i made jam from a punnet of strawberries up my heavenly smo smo. NOthing a little silicone pumping from Calvin won't clear up...Penelope you dirty dirty slag whore..i loved you like no other felt y our love from within i invited you to my special convention and you made the excuse that you were allergic to carrots and cucumbers. But really you were being impregnated by my very own calvin and sloppy seconds went to dirty ole alfred.

I thought those role playing golden showers that we had together brought us new sense of closeness but i now have been proved wrong.. i will no longer be eager to lick your flaps clean or mop up after your sessions.. i will never play your slavewhore NEVER....And calvin you really should see to that silicone implant it must be leaking as when you sprayed over my huge mammorys they have doubled in size..
yours truly
your local fruit and vege conissour