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View Full Version : N/H Has anyone gone through a total life shakeup/change?



thesaddleclub101
11-01-12, 12:25 PM
Totally NH, but I think the wealth of experience CH'ers have undoubtedly had with life and everything that comes with it, could be helpful to me right now.

In the last six weeks my whole life has changed. My Dad died, and now I've broken up with the boyfriend I've been with for 2 and a half years and lived with for 2 (who, typically, I thought I would have a life with). I'm a fairly tough cookie, but I feel as though my whole life is crumbling, and I'm not really sure where to go from here.

Has anyone been through a complete and total life shakeup? How did you handle it? I guess I just need to know that people have formed a new, better life for themselves in situations like this.

I know the old saying, when one door closes - another door opens, and at least now I am able to move on to acreage with a friend like I had always wanted to, but I can't help but feel a bit lost.

Harriette
11-01-12, 12:35 PM
as you get older you have more experiences
so you have more 'life changing' experiences
when the first few arrive, you havent your 'coping' strategies worked out,
but I think it gets easier. You have the 'knock down' phase but you have faith in your ability to do the 'get up' phase.

few people in my experience escape 'life changing' experiences.

even if your only holding on by your fingernails, recognise that you are at least holding on.

every one is different, but for me keeping looking forward, not back or to the side, seems to work the best. I can 'think' about/through things when I have a bit more distance.
4 years on, and here I am finishing a degree.....never would have though that was achievable in my 'before' life...so especially not after a monumentally bad life changing experience.
and first person in my family to go to uni!
and probably first to be a Dr. The work still has to be done, but if I keep looking forward, there is no reason it wont happen in another 4 years.

regards

Kilronan
11-01-12, 12:38 PM
About 11 years ago my Fience and I split up and I moved 4 hrs away to get away from him and start fresh.
Within 6 months I met my now husband of 8 years and we have 2 kids and the rest is history.

Jane_1
11-01-12, 12:47 PM
Yes. Within a 12 month period - disabling horse accident, loss of my job, death of my dad, loss of my 13 year relationship (and therefore house). It messes with your mind - of course it does. I agree with Hariette - if you're hanging on recognise that as a good thing. Seeing a Dr might help, seeing a counsellor might help, the passage of time definitely helps

thesaddleclub101
11-01-12, 12:55 PM
Thanks ladies, it is good to know that people have been through much worse situations and rebuilt a better life.


Yes. Within a 12 month period - disabling horse accident, loss of my job, death of my dad, loss of my 13 year relationship (and therefore house).
:eek: this makes my situation look trivial, you poor poor thing!

I'm not depressed or anything like that, just a little unsure and apprehensive of the future - and it sucks that I've lost what is supposed to be my support centre. Oh well, I guess I'll have more time to invest into myself and making myself happy, now.

Horsegears
11-01-12, 12:58 PM
Not to any particular poster. Reasonable deaths (Not like children, or horrific deaths etc) ,breakups, losing your job etc are all part of life that nearly all people go through. In *general if these are your main issues *perhaps you have had a blessed life - in my opinion.

1st foal
11-01-12, 01:01 PM
Ah TSC, it sucks to be young sometimes. One of the benefits of ageing is learning that "this, too, shall pass".

I remember feeling like I couldn't breathe when my fiancee and I split up after 3 years as lovers and 7 years as best friends.... I was 23. Some good and bad things came out of that pain. On the bad side, I stopped eating for 3 months (which in turn compromised my immune system and led to my Hashimotos which I have to medicate for the rest of my life :()

On the good side, I ran away, joined the RAAF and found the career that in love (Air Traffic Control). Also on the good side, I learned that no matter how bad the pain is (and I imagine you are feeling physical pain in your chest, breathing etc) it really does get better.

It can take a long time, especially grieving for your father, but listen to REM and "hold on". I promise you, one day, and it may be months from now, you will wake up and realise that the pain has lessened...

When my husband of 7 years, father of my child and love of my life, fell off the wagon in 2006, I went through it all again. One minute he was the loving man who had been my closest friend and confidente, the next he was a verbally and/or physically abusive stranger.

I survived the next 12 months with him, and the last 5 years without him, because I had learned from my pain in my 20s that I could get through this. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there.

My tips for you for the next few weeks:
1) cry as much as you want. Big, body wracking sobs, hot tears - it's cathartic physically as well as emotionally (will get you breathing deeply). And trust me, one day, you will cry until there just isn't anything left....an amazingly peaceful feeling. :)

2) as hard as it is not to curl up in a little ball in your room, get yourself out and about. I had wonderful friends who (bless them) listened to my blubbering over and over again. I had a wonderful horse whose neck dried my tears and whose rocking horse canter brought the ghost of a smile back.

3) don't think alcohol or drugs (prescription or otherwise) will dull the pain, they will just delay it - you still have to face it, might as well get it over with now.

4) join a yoga/tai chi/pilates class. It helps calm you physically, which has a flow on effect emotionally.

5) when times are black, and they will be, hold on the knowledge that it WILL GET BETTER! I promise you it will and I am so confident of that I will give you Trev if it doesn't! :D

Hang in there, get up to Njuro's as much as you can, I wish I could fast fwd life for you.... *hugs*

OakyPoke
11-01-12, 01:13 PM
Some really great advice and observations already.

The way I get through stuff is to just focus on today and what needs to be done before bedtime tonight. Put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You can still have your long term goals and such, but sometimes just surviving one more day and being able to smile is victory in itself.

Carola Adolf
11-01-12, 01:15 PM
TIME - heals everything. It will.

Garryngirl
11-01-12, 01:33 PM
Hugs TSC

Once you reach the bottom of that black hole you look up and see the sunshining once again and realise there is hope that you won't be down there forever.

Take one thing at a time otherwise you overload yourself and fall back down. In your case it would be one day at a time, one day you have gotten through, you may have cried, you may have become a bit more happier, you may have achieved a tiny goal but it is another day further away from the black hole.

You find out who you can rely on.

This is time for you to find your way and realise you can make it and be a stronger person.

I don't have any words of instant healing or coping for you but just hugs and support.

I am dealing with my own little catalyst moment in life today with the sudden loss of a friend that has made me stop and refocus on what is important in my life.

BabyBoomer
11-01-12, 01:44 PM
What Oaky and Carola said TSC.
Just focus on getting through each day, step by step and as the time passes the fog will clear. There are no short cuts (kind of like horse training really) - , no booze, no pills, to ease the way ... you will get through it and laugh again.
Oh ... and avoid new sexual and romantic relationships like the plague until you are through this.

HedgeWitch
11-01-12, 01:53 PM
After having cancer and surviving that, breaking up with my partner of 16 plus years and now living on my own I live by two mottos the one that is my signature as it helps me realise live life to the fullest and stuff what people think and when things get a little bit hectic and I start to get anxious I think to myself KEEP CALM AND CANTER ON :)

Hedgy

Anubis
11-01-12, 02:12 PM
KEEP CALM AND CANTER ON :)

Oh Hedgy that needs to be on a T-shirt or a hat! Much better than carrying on.

The big life changers can and have happened to all of us TSC...Like Hedgy I am a cancer survivor...the cancer also took my ability to have children <<means I have to be the cool auntie>>. Doesn't pay to stack your experiences up against others. What is life changing is different for each of us.

There has been a lot of loss and upheaval in your life. It can make a person feel storm tossed, rudderless and anchorless right now. It will pass, even if it does not feel it will.

If the big picture is blurry and overwhelming break it down in what you need to do in little bits and reach out to friends and counsellors when you need.

Please take the time to grieve for your dad, your mum, yourself and even your ex...there are some big holes in the fabric of your universe at the moment.

Here if you need an ear xx

Djangoandjacana
11-01-12, 02:24 PM
There is never a right time to lose a parent. A friend of mine lost her mother when she was a young child which dealt her one kind of blow. Last year in her 50's she lost her father which has been another huge dislocation. I lost my father, the first person close to me over 10 years ago and I still miss him every day. Not that we saw each other very often, maybe once a year, but it was just knowing he was there. Then a couple of years ago I lost my mother, left my job, started a new life.

Life is change and the what does not kill you makes you stronger expression is really true for most people most of the time. And very little we suffer emotionally kills us. Rather it tempers us like steel.

acaciaalba
11-01-12, 02:56 PM
like someone else said. look forward and dont look back. especially with your split with BF.
with the loss of your dad, everyone grieves the loss of a loved one. thats all part of life. you dont change that. you never forget but you live on, as they would wish you to.
but with your bust up,,just press on !! onward and upward !
focus on nice things and what makes you feel better, and do it .
also as someone else said. stay away from romance for awhile until you get your head straight. dont fall into that trap ! give yourself time.
the older you get the more "moments" you will have but you will find if you can roll with the punches you will cope better each time.
life does go on, and you do recover, no matter how bleak it looks now .
there are a lot of people a lot worse off than me, is what i always told myself, as i tried to push on ! you just take a step at a time and it gets easier with each step. you will find we have all been there, and we all know what its like. you arnt alone ! never feel alone !!

Montego
11-01-12, 03:42 PM
At exactly this time, 10 years ago I went to Melbourne to visit my only and cherished daughter who had married the love of her life and was joyfully expecting their first baby.

We had a lovely weekend, and planned my next visit which would be at Easter when the baby was due. We booked and paid for a flat so we could be close to the new parents at home with their much anticipated baby.

My beautiful daughter died 5 hours after giving birth to her baby. From a healthy glowing young woman to death in that short time, she suffered a rare childbirth complication and died - we didn't get to say goodbye because of the curfew on flights out of Sydney. Her minister sat with her and sang a hymn to her as she died, and he told me that she squeezed his hand when he did.

Her distraught husband raised their baby on his own (a whole other story) and has now married again. They have all moved on, and as Carola points out, TIME is what you need. Plus kind people who will let you grieve for as long as it takes.

But some things are never really the same ever again. They just can't be.

Horsesforcourses
11-01-12, 03:42 PM
KEEP CALM AND CANTER ON :)
Hedgy

Hedgy, I absolutely love it!

TSC - you will eventually find your footing again and you'll be stronger and wiser for it. That doesn't mean it hurts any less but it will eventually be pain you can live with and it will become part of what shapes your character and your understanding of other people.
Live in the moment, don't worry too much about the future and what else might happen next. During the bleak times I find it helps to watch the sunrise each morning - that's my way forward.

chas2
11-01-12, 04:19 PM
hey TSC there is some really good advice posted here already.
I think just moving onto the acreage with your friend is just a wonderful first step.
You will be ok in time, just surround yourself with good people, AND Horses - they are the best listeners :)

raffles101
11-01-12, 05:22 PM
Girls Night Out :)

I'll see you Friday :)

xx

Autumn
11-01-12, 05:49 PM
*big hugs* what doesnt kill you makes you stronger.

These 'experiences' all add to our character :)

My big life change was when I left my full time job after 12yrs as a data processor. I gave it up to trim horses feet - and Im much better for it.

rmjens
11-01-12, 06:36 PM
At exactly this time, 10 years ago I went to Melbourne to visit my only and cherished daughter who had married the love of her life and was joyfully expecting their first baby.

We had a lovely weekend, and planned my next visit which would be at Easter when the baby was due. We booked and paid for a flat so we could be close to the new parents at home with their much anticipated baby.

My beautiful daughter died 5 hours after giving birth to her baby. From a healthy glowing young woman to death in that short time, she suffered a rare childbirth complication and died - we didn't get to say goodbye because of the curfew on flights out of Sydney. Her minister sat with her and sang a hymn to her as she died, and he told me that she squeezed his hand when he did.

Her distraught husband raised their baby on his own (a whole other story) and has now married again. They have all moved on, and as Carola points out, TIME is what you need. Plus kind people who will let you grieve for as long as it takes.

But some things are never really the same ever again. They just can't be.

Oh Montego. I can't imagine your pain. I am sorry to read about your daughter.

Some great advice here TSC. My first husband died suddenly when I was in my early twenties. Stuff happens and we do learn to cope. I didn't really back then, but also I didn't feel comfortable talking about 'things'. I still don't!

But now I have an amazing husband and three fabulous teenage children and along with my parents, horses and dogs, they are my whole world.

I like the sound of you moving to an acreage and living with a friend - sounds like a super move.

NikJ
11-01-12, 06:41 PM
Sorry to hear TSC, sadly our life makes us, and sometimes its not all good. And wow we do really get to read things we would never imagine or want to know happen to people.

Montego I am still crying, your loss is horrendous and heartbreaking.

Its all about small steps and learning to love yourself all over again. Grieving is good.

Silver Taffy
11-01-12, 06:54 PM
I'm sorry you're going through all this TSC. I am glad though that you know we CH'ers are here for you. Don't hesitate to contact me if you want to chat on the phone. We'll have to one day, before I send you my house warming invite :p

Garryngirl
11-01-12, 07:47 PM
Montego my heart and soul cries for your loss. My daughter is my greatest treasure, the sunshine in my life, I can't imagine what it would be like to lose her. Just can't imagine it.

Don't want to derail TSCs plea for help and her thread but geez that can't go unnoticed.

rmjens
11-01-12, 07:49 PM
I feel the same way, Gng. I wasn't sure about quoting Montego but couldn't let her story pass without comment.

I too have the one daughter that is the light of my life. After reading Montego's post, I still feel a bit choked up...

thesaddleclub101
11-01-12, 08:07 PM
Montego, I am too fighting back sobs after reading your post. No one should have to lose their beautiful daughter under such circumstances, there really are no words.

I feel a lot better after reading the replies here. I know life moves forward, and that I will find new fulfilment in life, and really I just need to focus on myself at the moment anyway :)

Muzziet
11-01-12, 08:22 PM
The morning after my friend died in a car accident just 2 months ago, I had to go grocery shopping.
I was fighting tears and fielding phone calls and watching all the people in the supermarket just going about their business, oblivious to my pain.
I just wanted to yell at them to stop, to be sad with me and sad for me, but life does go on. I was the one that had 'stopped', they were just doing life.

So stop for a bit, then look ahead, talk, cry, laugh, get a manicure, have 3 riding lessons a week, go to the beach, surround yourself with support (that's us at CH) and you will get started again. Give yourself permission to be sad but also permission to remember but get going again.

Hugs TSC and everyone here who knows how you are feeling.

miss poss
11-01-12, 08:27 PM
TSC the time now is to focus and care for yourself and to allow yourself to feel the whole range of emotions you will experience. Don't chastise yourself for feeling the gamut of feelings, thoughts and rememberances one goes through at this time, and NEVER allow anyone to 'talk down to you' for feeling this way.

As one who has gone through a few big curvey life changes, sometimes getting through is a minute by minute crawl, but these baby steps do get bigger and you will find yourself in a new place in life.

Montego and TSC, my thoughts and prayers are with you both...and other CHer's who are in the throes of the sadder seasons of life.

Take care all.

Djangoandjacana
11-01-12, 08:36 PM
Montago that is such a sad story. We will all lose parents, we know that, it is inevitable, we just hope it doesn't happen until it is their time and they go gracefully. But a parents nightmare to lose a child. For me something I will never have to face, but I know the fear my mother expressed about losing me or my sister even though we had long since left home and had separate lives.

We never stop being the children of our parents, no matter how old we are.

Norbit
11-01-12, 08:38 PM
Oh TSC101 and everyone else for their hard times, I wish I could do or say something to take away the pain.

I luckily have not really had anything 'tragic' happen, but have dealt with many years of anxiety issues and severe depression. I honestly thought in my darkest times that things would never get better and couldn't imagine still being alive but things have improved immensly.

I always have an ear for needed chats with anyone.:)

Sandbeck
11-01-12, 08:46 PM
Just wanted to let you know one of the methods I found helped me cope with all the rubbish and horrible things life can throw at us. It might sound a little silly but it works for me.

Over the years I have, like most people that are over 40 had my fair share of the "big" stresses in life, those being, deaths of loved ones, job losses, relocation, relationships failing and I have found that if I can put these events into a "box" in my mind then I am free to get on with the day to day , one step at a time, living.

For example, when my marriage was in its final months of despair I used to allow myself a certain amount of time during the day to just think and concentrate on it. It could have been spent sitting in a hot shower crying tears of rage, frustration and pity or it could have been spent making lists of what bank accounts I had to close. At the end of the allotted time (I used the oven timer) I just put it all away in my mind and got on with other things.

If I had to describe it I would imagine in the beginning the "divorce" box looked like a filing cabinet that had different sections, being, house, children, relocation, etc it would have heavy chains around it and was locked. Over the years the "box" has become a small shoe box with a nice ribbon around it . I still take it out and look through the contents now and again but it has changed as I have changed.

Give yourself permission to dwell on the bad things but understand that if you let it become all consuming you wont make progress towards what you need in your life to get through it all.

I feel to terribly sad for you Montego and I could never possibly understand the pain that has caused you.

TSC, it is true that time is a great healer and you will get through this. There are experienced medical people who are trained to help you get through troubled times and I feel confident that you will ask if you need help as you were brave enough to post this to start will.

ps, hope you all don't think I am some mad nuttier with a lot of boxes in my mind. It is all metaphorical, hope I explained that correctly.